Learning Reflection: After My First Grad Course as an Undergrad

Date: 2020-04-29

This course is life-changing, but only a small portion of my learnings is included in this reflection. I will start with how this learning experience helps me make my career decisions. Then I will reflect on my personal growth over the term and finish off with things I need to work on.

An “Obvious” Learning Outcome

I had many pressing questions going into this course as my answer to those questions would shape how I choose the programs and how I structure my grad school application.

• I enjoy research more than industry, but why do I want to go to grad school?
• What’s my research interest?
• What should I be looking for in a grad program to help me become a good researcher?

But at that time, I didn’t even know how to look for the answers. What I learned in undergrad only covers how to solve already defined problems. And in my research experience, as an undergrad, I get assigned to different projects depending on my lab’s needs. Although I was motivated by the technical side of the open-ended problem-solving process, I felt that my work lacked connections with the real world.

This course fills the gaps, especially the ideation phase of the project. With countless rounds of zooming in and out, all the thought experiments made me realize what I should be looking for when searching for my research interests: the urge to offer help. And the understanding of a real-world problem would spark that urge. Looking back at the projects I previously worked on, I realized that some of them were solely motivated by the problems and opportunities in the method space instead of a practical use case.

I was thrilled to apply these learnings to formulate my summer research project. Like our farm project, I have an overarching goal of assisting users’ knowledge exploration in databases. I started by identifying the major stakeholders and followed the causal chains to identify their challenges when interacting with database applications. Then I was able to see different users’ incomplete skillsets and map that to their needs. Having a connection with quantifiable impact for the first time, I felt a rush of excitement to do something to help those users in need.

Overall, this learning experience assured my decision to pursue graduate studies. Besides the sense of ownership of my work and the level of impact that my work can make, I learned that I enjoy both scoping and solving open-ended problems and want to get better at it. I still cannot believe that I am now confident to say that I have an answer to most of my questions, or at least I know how to make my way there.

Making Myself Talk

The progress I made in my personal development in the past term is just as critical as I became more aware of my strengths and weaknesses. Besides the fact that I take time to warm up, in the first half of the term, I struggled to find valuable things to add to our discussion before I realized two things.

First, I thought my questions were stupid. I felt embarrassed and self-conscious to express my confusion on any occasion, especially in class when I did not understand any concepts or terms. I thought that it is my responsibility to have or acquire that background knowledge. And I would be wasting others’ time if I ask for clarification since I thought I am the only one with the question. My “ah-ha” moment is when Greg was the only person who understood the concept of predicting counterfactuals but the rest of us just stayed quiet until Kevin checked on us. I realized that others in the room may share the same confusion as mine, and they may also be too afraid to ask. Asking questions is a way to signal others, which makes the conversation more transparent and could take the discussion in interesting directions. After that, my questions magically sound less silly in my head. I started to see the value in them and how to phrase my questions to better contribute to the discussion.

Second, I find our class information-dense as I would easily get lost in my train of thought while trying to follow the discussion. I first started to take notes to record Mark and Yeonuk’s responses in the client meetings and found myself taking in information better by writing and drawing. Scribing seems to be a slower way to absorb information, but it helps me organize the key points in the discussion, my confusion, and the takeaways. This allows me to dwell on certain points a bit longer, find the connections between my learnings, and add value to the conversation. Scribing also helps the team keep track of the feedback and progress, which makes our team meetings more productive.

Surprisingly, these two findings helped me combat the cold-calls from Kevin. And as I became more comfortable with sharing my opinions, the support from my teammates and the occasional positive comments from Kevin and Scott boosted my confidence. I’m also more convinced that speaking helps crystallize my learnings and find myself more vocal in other environments as well.

Things I Need to Work on

I remember how vulnerable and exposed I felt in my self-introduction session at the start of the term. My extreme nervousness led to a breakdown in front of four strangers that I was trying to impress. After reflecting on this event for the whole term, I shortlisted three things that I have been trying to improve but still have a long way to go.

First, I need to control my nervousness better as it’s hindering how I interact with people. Over the term, I noticed that if I focus on what I want to say instead of the surroundings, my thought flows much better. But sometimes I would still get caught by waves of anxiety, especially when I have everyone’s attention, and then my brain would go blank.

Second, I want to get better at taking feedback. It’s easy for me to only focus on my “opportunities to grow” and oversee what I did well. It’s also easy for me to take criticism personally even in a professional setting. I find myself too emotionally attached to my work to take the constructive part of the criticism objectively. I also struggle to find a balance between being myself and following others’ advice, especially when I receive comments from people who are more senior.

Lastly, instead of beating myself up, I want to feel excited when discovering something that I suck at. I haven’t found a good way to achieve this yet.

Last Words

I’m convinced that I wouldn’t grow if I only stay in my comfort zone. I find this learning experience excruciating yet enjoyable, and this feeling is addictive. Kevin is a great personal trainer at keeping me on my toes for the entire term. I want to thank Kevin and Scott for designing such a life-changing course. I also feel grateful to have Greg and Teyden as my teammates, and I almost don’t want this course to end just to continue working with them.

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